2022 Issue
On the Possibility of Discovering Exoplanets within our Solar System
John A Paice, Jack J|C Watkins
arXiv:2203.17075
It has previously been suggested that the rate of exoplanet discovery, doubling roughly every 39 months, is indicative of a runaway increase in the number of exoplanets in our galaxy. In this paper, we posit that - due to the finite nature of space in the milky way - it will become increasingly likely that one of these exoplanets will be found within our solar system. We calculate the odds of this occurring pass 50% on Friday 9th December 2146. We go on to suggest novel methods for influencing where this exoplanet may be discovered, note possible drawbacks of the discovery, and finally explore how the previously-hypothesized `exoplanet singularity' (both figurative and literal) could be averted.
Transmogrifiers: Bright of the Exomoon
Michael B. Lund
arXiv:2203.17017
Though it may be a behavior that has been observed and documented for millennia, and despite the connection between it and the full moon, the astronomical community has afforded very little attention to lycanthropy. We hope to address this deficiency by using the population of known exoplanets as a natural experiment to better characterize what properties of the moon are necessary to trigger a transformation into a werewolf. We additionally investigate which exoplanets are most likely to have exomoons which may cause werewolves, with a particular focus on LHS 1140 b. We also propose a new mission called the Werewolves From Infrared Radiation and Spectral-typing Telescope, or WFIRST, in order to better characterize exoplanetary systems. This will allow us to explore the impact of stellar type on lycanthropy more than it has traditionally been considered. We believe this represents a major step forward in our understanding and recognition of the burgeoning field of exocryptozoology.
Predicting Winners of the Reality TV Dating Show The Bachelor Using Machine Learning Algorithms
Abigail J. Lee, Grace E. Chesmore, Kyle A. Rocha, Amanda Farah, Maryum Sayeed, Justin Myles
arXiv:2203.16648
The Bachelor is a reality TV dating show in which a single bachelor selects his wife from a pool of approximately 30 female contestants over eight weeks of filming (American Broadcasting Company 2002). We collected the following data on all 422 contestants that participated in seasons 11 through 25: their Age, Hometown, Career, Race, Week they got their first 1-on-1 date, whether they got the first impression rose, and what "place" they ended up getting. We then trained three machine learning models to predict the ideal characteristics of a successful contestant on The Bachelor. The three algorithms that we tested were: random forest classification, neural networks, and linear regression. We found consistency across all three models, although the neural network performed the best overall. Our models found that a woman has the highest probability of progressing far on The Bachelor if she is: 26 years old, white, from the Northwest, works as an dancer, received a 1-on-1 in week 6, and did not receive the First Impression Rose. Our methodology is broadly applicable to all romantic reality television, and our results will inform future The Bachelor production and contestant strategies. While our models were relatively successful, we still encountered high misclassification rates. This may be because: (1) Our training dataset had fewer than 400 points or (2) Our models were too simple to parameterize the complex romantic connections contestants forge over the course of a season.
The Parking Lot Planet
Sergio Best, Fernanda Correa, Juan Ignacio Espinoza
arXiv:2203.16791
We give conditions for an exoplanetary system to function as an ideal amusement park/vacation resort (with its separate parking lot, of course); in case of massive human interplanetary colonization. Our considerations stem from the fact that an amusement park needs a parking lot of roughly the same surface area, thus the best option for its construction would be a system with at least 2 planets close to each other for easy tourist transportation. We also discuss the likelihood of finding such a system out there to cut down on construction costs.
Taurine in Taurus. An Over-Caffeinated Search for Coffee in Space
Christian Eistrup, Łukasz A. Tychoniec, Iris Nijman, Marta Paula Tychoniec, Siroon Bekkering, Anna Gaca
arXiv:2203.16598
Caffeination can open tired eyes and enhance focus. Over-caffeination, furthermore, can lead to errors but also to unexpected discoveries that might not have happened without 30 hours of sleep deprivation and 500mg of caffeine in our bodies. This paper presents exactly such a discovery. Upon much staring into our coffee cups, empty anew, the thought struck us: coffee in space. Caffeine may not be the only key. HL Tau, Taurus, bull... Taurine! We grinded some red bourbon for a new pour-over, and developed the new, coffee-groundsbreaking Large Astrocomical Taurine Tester Experiment (LATTE) in just 1/4 of a day. We felt bull-ish about our chances of making a great discovery! We installed LATTE, aimed it at the well-known young star HL Tau, and there it was: an abundance of taurine gas beautifully outlining a cup of cosmic flat white, with the ring structure of HL Tau turning out to be latte art performed by a skillful cosmic barista. The first Robusta discovery of coffee in space. Speaking of coffee, we hope you have a nice hot cup with you, and we encourage you to pun-tinue all the way to the end of this bean-grinding paper.